Things I will take to my grave

 

There are so many things I have decided to never say, not because they are "not important", but because they are too raw to be spoken aloud, without breaking everything. Like the love that felt too ugly to be talked about, like the apologies that i rehearsed  in my head but lost their moment, like the  anger that once felt necessary and now lingers without any real purpose, or the confessions that have lived their entire lives inside me, my entire life. They no longer feel are thoughts. They feel structural, almost like a bone, maybe my spine itself is made out of everything I never said, keeping me upright - out of shame.

I had thought that I would carry them to my grave, properly lay them in peace, like what people do with things that matter. And if I were buried, maybe a tree would grow from me and its roots would move through everything I could never say, feeding on all that love, all that hate, all that anger, turning it into something visible, something beautiful. These thoughts would no longer be abstract, they would flower in a way I never could, each petal holding a beautiful version of everything that once was unbearable.

But i am not lucky enough to be burried .

My fate is to be burnt .

Everything I thought I would preserve will turn to ash with me. Every unsaid word will be reduced to dust.Fire is ignorant,almost evil,it does believe in memory,it just ends things completly . And who said these things are not physical? They have weight, they have lived inside a body that struggled to contain them. When I burn, they will burn with me, not disappearing but changing form, into the ash, mixed into what remains of me, indistinguishable from it.

When the fire reaches my chest, it will not just burn flesh, it will reach everything that was left as unfinished. When the fire reaches my chest, my heart will  probably explode, releasing everything it had stored for so long.

And when my family scatters whatever remains of me in Ganga, at the familiar ghat where all my family members will face the same fate, there will be nothing left to hide. The ashes wont stay together, they will spread like a beautiful night sky trying to remember its stars which i could never see, each particle carrying something that was too heavy to hold alone, once.